Mothering Solo
Solo motherhood is not rare, but it’s often hard to discuss. Ben Hoyt talks about some of the issues with a solo mum from Masterton. She has twin girls, aged eight.
BH: Is having twins twice as hard as having one?
MM: I’m not sure—twins is all I’ve had. I always thought “double trouble,” but my doctor said it was about one and a half times as hard. A lot of the time it’s great, because they entertain each other. And I’d prefer two of mine to one of some kids I know!
How often do little old ladies ask, “How do you do it?”
All the time, every day. With my job I meet lots of new people, and as soon as they find out I’m on my own and I have twins, it’s like, “Wow! How on earth do you do it?”
Dads are usually seen as the sterner parents. How do you approach discipline as a solo mum?
Um … not very well! [laughs] My mum was quite strict, though I guess dad was the disciplinarian. I really see myself as both mum and dad. But I take each day as it comes.
What do you think about the repeal of Section 59 in the Crimes Act (the no-smacking debate)?
I agree but I don’t agree. It’s often blown out of proportion. Smacking didn’t do me any long-term damage! [laughs] I think verbal abuse is normally worse. But I would only smack the twins when it’s the only way to show I’m serious, and only on the bum—no long-term damage there.
How long have you been on your own as a parent?
On and off pretty much for eight years. The father left well before the twins were born. Then I was with another guy for three years, but he didn’t really raise the kids.
Was the pregnancy planned?
No! I was on the pill, but I guess it got through.
Did you ever consider an abortion?
Yes. It was the biggest decision of my life. At the time I was working 13 or 14 hours a day, saving up to go overseas. Should I have the OE or the twins? I knew it had to be twins, because I could always travel when the kids were older.
If you could do it again, what would you change?
Not fall pregnant! [laughs] Um, I think I do okay. I wouldn’t do much differently. But I’d never be a solo mum again. I’d stay at home longer, too, till they were at least three or four and going to pre-school.
When you’re going through hard times, who’s the most help—family or friends, or some other group of people?
My kids, actually. They’re my focus, they bring me through. Kids are very sensitive to how you’re feeling. Mum can be a good help. And then my best friend is really supportive. She’s like a godmother to the twins, and her partner’s a really good male role model for them.
What kind of support groups does a town like Masterton have for solo mums?
I’m not sure they do! I think the government needs to develop that—more local support. Solo mums aren’t just because of bad relationships, sometimes the husband dies, so it could happen to anyone. Also, ante-natal classes were good for making friendships.
Today the government does lots of what the extended family used to do. Do you think this is good for solo mums?
It’s hard to say. There are pros and cons. It does take the pressure off the grandparents. These days it seems like mums are forced to work, and grandparents work, so they can’t look after the kids.
In what areas do you think the government should step back and the local community step up?
Basically the support groups, to take pressure off single parents. At the moment it’s like, “We’ll help you—but only up to $390 a week. The more you work, the more you’ll get!” That’s not much after you’ve paid the rent and all the bills.
What’s your religious background, and how has it affected the way you raise the twins?
I was brought up in the Pentecostal church, and baptised when I was 12. I don’t really think it affects the way I raise my kids. I’m not Pentecostal now, but I believe in God, and don’t feel I need to go to church. I consider myself to live a fairly Christian lifestyle.
Most of us at Prism are part of a church. What’s your view on how churches could better provide support for solo mums?
I don’t think it’s really the church’s responsibility, unless they’ve got a heap of solo mums in the church. I believe it’s the government’s job to help single parents, but they need to do it better. However, I know the Pentecostal church was a big help for my mum at times.