Singled Out by God
When I did my profession of faith this year, my friend Malien gave me a book by Janet Folger called What’s a Girl to Do? (While Waiting for Mr. Right). I will not lie. I strongly dislike books about being single. I loathe them. Mum used to give me these “courtship” books, but I would always skip the sickly-sweet theology and read the life stories, which were a lot like what you’d find in Woman’s Weekly—with a theological twist.
So I flicked open the dust jacket to have a closer inspection. Maybe this book had some juicy stories in it too. Lo and behold, I was greeted by a multi-choice question:
What do you do with your ex-boyfriend’s shirt?
- Return it clean and pressed in time for his next date.
- Sew it into the pillow to cry on.
- Use it to clean out the crud in the bottom of the fridge.
If you chose option 3 this book is for you!
I liked how the book started. I could appreciate this bitter brand of honesty. So I decided to give it a go.
Being single is okay!
Let’s face it: Our ideas about being single aren’t usually uplifting. I laughed at my mum when she went to a singles camp. I mean, c’mon, what was she gonna find? The dregs of society that never quite made it to marital bliss? I think many of us are tempted to view “singleness” as a relatively painful, though temporary, state between coming of age and getting married. When you’re married, you’ve arrived.
One of my friends is a big Josh Harris fan. Back when we were at school, she liked to photocopy bits out of his books, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. She’d then distribute them to unsuspecting classmates in a mini “Josh revolution.” I used to tease her that the pages dripped out of the photocopier, because at the time I thought they were soppy, sentimental drivel. I realize the value of Josh Harris, but back then I couldn’t relate to his ideals.
Janet Folger presents a different side of single life with an honest and cutting dose of healthy realism. She says that yes, at times you might use your ex’s shirt for cleaning, or be depressed and eat so much chocolate you’ll feel physically sick. Janet tells us to imagine ourselves in a coffee shop with her: catching up with friends, sharing stories, binding each other’s wounds, laughing, re-focusing, and re-emerging as women God would want us to be.
The battlefield
So you’re single. Or maybe you’ve just broken up. It’s important to remember the context of our lives: we are constantly in a spiritual battle.
Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
God does have a plan for each of us. We are God’s special agents, but Satan wants us out of the game. To singles he will say things designed to kick us while we’re down: “God has forgotten you,” or “you’re a failure,” or “nobody wants you and nobody ever will.”
Lies. After all, Satan is a liar—it’s his job description. He pulls out the big guns to destroy God’s soldiers. Janet says, “His favourite targets are those who could very well be the most effective members of God’s kingdom: single people.” Satan has another set of weapons for our married friends. He has sets of weapons designed for every area of our lives, and for most other people, too. So, no matter what position you’re in, recognise the deceit for what it is. Consciously replace the lies with the truth of God’s Word.
What does God want for you?
It’s hard to distinguish what we think is good for us from what is good for us, or what we want from what God wants. We know that God has plans for us, but we can’t often see the big picture.
The story of Joseph shows that God is all-powerful. When Joseph was sitting in the stinking mud at the bottom of the pit, I’m sure he couldn’t see what was in store for him—that God would later use him to save His people.
In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells us, “ ‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’ ”
The question is: will you let Him use you?
God consistently tells us that He will provide for us if we are faithful in serving Him. Often it’s just a matter of His timing. Sometimes God won’t move in your life until you’ve learnt to trust Him and be content in the situation you’re in. God promised Sarah a child, but she had to learn to wait and trust. Stop worrying! God can change things in an instant. Thank Him for what you do have, then ask Him how you can be used by Him.
I know that sometimes it feels like your biological clock is ticking and God is taking a long time. But when you’re waiting for something, a day seems like a thousand years. So throw yourself into serving God, and make that time fly!
Being single can seem like a colossal waste of time. You could look back on a year of bad relationships and think, “Boy, I could have spent that better!” And you probably could have. But move on. Shut that door. Look ahead, focusing on God.
Spend more time in God-talk and less in guy-talk. My friends and I used to sit down and psycho-analyse every aspect of what a guy said, wondering who he liked and what he was trying to say. We should have spent a lot more of that time on God. Janet says it this way, “Rather than investing in the wrong stock, make your greatest investment in spending time with God. It’s not always easy, but the returns will be far, far greater.”
The point is that God comes first. Psalm 37:4 tells us, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Onwards and upwards
Ok. You’ve broken up, or you’re depressed about being single, and you feel like you’ve been dragged through a gorse bush backwards. Go on a shopping spree. Buy a new eye shadow or lippy. Eat chocolate. Chocolate gives you endorphins, your body’s natural painkillers. So does exercise; you could try some of that too. Maybe grab your Bible, and go sit under a tree and eat some chocolate. Or, like my mum, you could prop your Bible up on the front of your exercise-bike. Then eat some chocolate.
It’s also important to heal yourself spiritually. Remember that Satan’s going to be attacking you, especially now that you’re down and out for the counting. Be wary of repeating the same mistakes again and again. Janet said she struggled with running back to her ex-boyfriends when things got difficult. There’s a time to shut the door and focus on God and the road ahead. There are great things you can do through the almighty power of Him who holds you.
There are so many passages to help us in these lonely circumstances. “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power … Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength.” (Isaiah 40:28–31.)
So, you’ve bought new clothes, had a make-over, done a bit of exercise and disarmed Satan’s artillery by ignoring his lies and concentrating on the truths of God’s word. Now what?
A special power? Me?
God has a special message for singles! “One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided … This I say for your own benefit … and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:32–35.)
We are able tools simply because we are not distracted. Forget about your weaknesses and inadequacies and fears. Take courage, trust God to work through you, and you will see God-sized things happening. We only need to be obedient for God to use us.
Janet herself was able to accomplish some amazing things. In the United States in 2001, she almost single-handedly launched a pro-life campaign called Faith2Action. She commandeered one of the largest spiritual armies in the world; over 500,000 people joined with her as a voice for the voiceless, and successfully lobbied for the first partial-birth abortion ban. For nine years she was the legislative director of Ohio Right to Life, which, among many accomplishments, removed all state-funded abortion. All this was achieved by her early thirties.
You are commanded to be the salt and light of the earth, and you’ll never be in a better position than now. Pray, and work as well! Don’t just be a walking encyclopaedia on Christian living—use it! Be zealous for the Lord and He will greatly bless you.
Janet comments, “You were born for such a time as this! You already know that you don’t need any special talents. God specializes in using ordinary people. Even the most unlikely people. Especially those. So quit making excuses. There aren’t any left.”
We single people have a special power in the work we can do for the Lord. But wherever we’re at, we need to be filled with zeal to serve God. Recognise your talents and gifts, and pray that God will use you in what He has planned for you.
Use the time. Don’t let Satan steal it from you. God has something for you to do, and He’s going to give you what He’s promised. Hebrews 10:36 says, “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”